Narcissism and Me

Having a narcissist in your life is a unique, exhausting and terrifying experience. I wanted to share my experience in the hope that speaking out may help someone who is experiencing this themselves.

I am not going to talk directly about the narcissist, partly out of fear of reprisal, but mainly to not give them any notoriety. Narcissists crave being the centre of attention and I refuse to give them that.

This is my story. From my heart. Warts and all.

The narcissist came into my life many years ago. At first I thought they were just a bit obsessive but as time went on it became clear there was something more sinister at work.

Most people don’t get diagnosed with narcissism unless they commit a crime so figuring out someone is narcissistic often comes more from your own experiences and how they make you feel.

For me, I slowly began to feel more and more helpless. Like no matter what I did I couldn’t change the result. I would try every tactic known to man but always end up on the losing end. It made me angry and bitter. Sometimes I said or did things that were completely out of character for me just because I was exhausted or frustrated or angry at the injustice of it all.

It ate away at my confidence. I gained a lot of weight. Food became my only comfort. I sacrificed more than any person should have to and started to hate myself for being so weak.

I became obsessed with fighting the narcissist, pouring over articles to better understand their motivation and mindset. But I couldn’t make any changes to the reality of what I was experiencing. Every day was consumed with their behaviour. A black cloud grew over my life and I couldn’t feel happiness any more.

It stripped away my positivity. I’m usually a rainbow and unicorns kind of girl but all I could see was darkness. It became all I could talk about with friends and then I would berate myself for being so selfish and negative. I withdrew because I was convinced they were bored of hearing my tales of woe.

I was isolated and lonely. I blamed the narcissist for everything but the truth was that I played my own role. I allowed the abuse to happen. I enabled it.

Making that realisation was the first step in getting back to myself. Acknowledging that I actually had more power than I thought gave me strength. Because if I had allowed it to happen, I could absolutely stop it from happening any more.

I began to put boundaries in place (which is really hard work but so worth it) and practice every day telling myself that I am strong and worthy. And I am starting to feel more “Sarah” again. I am finding enjoyment in simple things. I can see positives again. And I am pretty sure the other day I saw a rainbow!

It’s a long journey and I am under no illusions that it will be a rocky road. I’ve found out things about myself which I don’t like but which I am working to change. It has forced me to dig deep and do some serious self reflection. And do you know what?

I’m actually grateful. Grateful for the experience. Grateful to the narcissist for showing me the darkness.

Because without the narcissist, I wouldn’t be getting stronger. I wouldn’t have learnt so much about myself. And I wouldn’t be so certain that I belong in the light!

So thank you narcissist. You will absolutely hate this but you made me a better, stronger and more empowered woman. Cheers!

The Realities Of Co-Parenting With A Narcissist

 

When you break up with a narcissist, you are saving yourself a lifetime of hurt, pain and misery.  BUT if you have children together the torture does not end easily.  By understanding the realities, characteristics and how to safeguard your children you are armed and ready for the battle.

 

1. Parental Alienation
   The narcissist parent will tell the child(ren) lies to scare them (e.g. “your mum/dad is going to take you away from me and we’ll never see each other again”) to try and make the child not want to see the non-narcissist parent
   
   They will also limit or control access with the non-narcissist parent by saying when, where and how the other parent will see the children.  They can use access as a way of trying to lure you back in

2. Constantly Changing Plans
   The narcissist parent will constantly try and make changes to pre-arranged plans in order to retain control over the situation and cause maximum disruption

3. Constant Lies
   A narcissist will tell services what they think they want to hear.  They will paint a picture of being a perfect parent but if you join all the dots you will see that there are many holes in their stories

4. Manipulation of Services
   A narcissist will try to use services to meet their own needs and often will play the victim to transfer blame to the non-narcissist parent, accusing them of doing the things that they themselves have done.  They may be in a position of power themselves so will use that to belittle and demean the other parent, making others believe their lies and take their side.

5. Blocking
   The narcissist will block access or holidays/outings simply to cause disruption and regain control

6. Financial Control
   The narcissist will use money to manipulate the non-narcissist parent, ensuring that they don’t have any money or lying that they themselves have no money to get out of paying for their children

7. Maintain Control
   The narcissist parent will do everything they can to maintain control over their ex partner in whatever way they can.  They may not tell them about doctor’s appointments or school appointments OR give them so little notice that it is almost impossible for the other parent to attend or not turn up late which the narcissist then uses to prove how unreliable the other parent it

8. Restrict/Control Visitation
   The narcissist will try to dictate the terms of access and deliberately chose times when they cause the most disruption to the other parent.  If they are mad with the other parent they will restrict their access.  They may also make the other parent come to their house to ensure they remain under their control

9. Belittle the other parent
   The narcissist will pick on every little thing the other parent does, making out they are not capable and trying to get everyone else, including the children, believe that they are the better most capable parent

10. False Allegations
    The narcissist will attack when they are in danger of losing control and this can result in them making false allegations of violence and abuse.  Women particularly use this tactic because gender stereotypes see women as the victims of abuse as opposed to the perpetrators.

11. Refusal to engage
    A narcissist will not want an outsider telling them what to do so will often refuse to engage with services.  However, some narcissists believe they can outsmart services by telling lies and manipulating professionals.  They will make out they are fully co-operative and that the other parent is the problem

12. Strange and Sudden life changes
    A narcissist will do whatever it takes to regain control over the other parent and this can often result in them making sudden and strange life changes.  For example, a parent who has always held a good job may suddenly leave work to ensure they have no money to pay child support or to try and show that they are a dedicated parent and want to be at home for their children

13. Family, Friends and New Partners
    The narcissist will use their family and friends to spread lies about the ex partner.  They may also get a new partner very quickly if they were the ones who ended the relationship and can even walk away from their children completely for long periods of time.
    
    Narcissists who did not end the relationship will threaten family, friends and new partners in order to get their ex partner back under their control.  They may try to contact the new partner and bully them.  They will likely tell everyone how the ex has wronged them in some horrific way but then refuse to move on and maintain regular contact with the ex.  They may lie and say that their ex wants them back or that their ex owes them money if anyone questions their behaviour.  They can stalk, harass and intimidate anyone close to the ex and use the children to find out more about the ex’s life.

14. Pets
    The narcissist will use family pets to inflict hurt and exact power of the other parent.  They may steal, hurt or even kill pets.

15. Violence
    The narcissist will hurt anyone who threatens their false view of themselves.  This can include family members, new partners, their ex and even the children themselves.  This is the ultimate act of power and control.

This is taken from my Co-Parenting Handbook which also has information on characteristics of narcissist parents, safeguarding children of narcissists and top tips for co-parenting with a narcissist.

 

I’d love to hear your experiences and if you’d like any help or guidance with the process or dealing with a narcissist please do get in touch at enquiries@thenurturingcoach.co.uk

Why Narcissists Are Bad For Your Health

 

We have all come into contact with a narcissist at some point in our lives.  It could be that awful boss who bullied you relentlessly.  Or the relative who put you down at every opportunity.  Or maybe it was that partner who turned from heaven sent lover into a vitriolic, abusive devil.

 

However you came into contact with a narcissist, I guarantee that your health will have suffered.  And I don’t just mean your mental health.

 

Narcissists are masters at making us feel uneasy.  They seek to control us by being so inconsistent with their affection that we never know what is coming.  One minute we are having a perfectly normal conversation, the next they are screaming at us that we are stupid and everything is our fault.

 

Our bodies natural reaction to this type of stress is to release adrenaline (our fight or flight response).  Unfortunately the narcissist has usually taught us that fighting is fruitless, they always win by whatever means necessary (including violence) and flight is impossible because they have made us believe we are unwanted, a burden and insane.  Who the hell would want us?!

 

So we are unable to respond as our bodies have been designed to.  We stay and absorb their wrath.  But the adrenaline hasn’t gone anywhere.  In fact, we live in a constant state of fear, waiting for the next explosion.  This can cause extreme anxiety as well as physical ill health.  The long term impact of prolonged adrenaline production can be heart attacks, high blood pressure and strokes.

 

We can live in a state of hyperarousal, always on the look out for a threat.  We feel jumpy at all times and this can lead us to being angry and irritable.  Which plays into the narcissists hands by “proving” that we are mental.

 

It also damages our brain.  The constant barrage of verbal abuse changes the neural pathways in our brain, distorting memories and beliefs we hold about ourselves.  Where we once believed we were attractive, intelligent and sane, new beliefs are created that we are stupid, worthless and ugly.

 

It is easy now to see why long term exposure to narcissists can result in severe health problems and even death (either directly or indirectly).  This is why it is so infuriating that health professionals fail so often to spot the dynamic a narcissist adds to a persons health problems.  They are quick to diagnose from past trauma (which I have no doubt plays a part) without considering their present situation.  People are being labelled with mental health conditions which only fuels the abusers control and leaves victims even more vulnerable.

 

Most won’t have the courage or insight to tell their GP the truth.  After all the abuser has made them believe they ARE crazy and don’t deserve any help.  The abuser doesn’t want the victim to get any assistance because it may expose their behaviour and give their victim more strength – both of which the narcissist will aim to prevent at any cost.

 

Victims will parrot the reasons for their ill-health just as the narcissist has told them to.  And health care professionals take it all at face value.  Not seeking to explore the connection between abuse and stress.  So the victim goes away believing exactly what the narcissist has told them – that it is their fault and they are broken.

 

So if you are suffering mentally and physically AND are subjected to narcissistic abuse, step back and take a logical look at what is really going on.  The key to good health may not be the stash of pills you have been prescribed but rather making some changes closer to home.

 

If you would like to talk about any of this in confidence, please do reach out to me.  You can contact me at https://www.thenurturingcoach.co.uk/narcissist-abuse-recovery